Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you