“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
this came to me in a vision
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.