My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
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I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
my favorite genre of twitter
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.