If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
You Might Also Like
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*watches the world burn*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.