Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.