It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!