Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.