me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.