my first day as a raccoon
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!