The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
O Wise One….
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.