I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
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ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..