Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You Might Also Like
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .