cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
no!! no!!!!!!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”