My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Saw your ex at the shops
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show