Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Dune (2021)
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.