[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…