You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
🤣🤣🤣
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.