Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.