[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Hank is one in a melon.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.