Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…