[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
my favorite genre of twitter
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Am I having a stroke?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor