By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.