Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
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Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive