airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Oops
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.