This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.