Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬