In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
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Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The legends speak of a third Duran…
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
when u come home smelling like another dog
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat