I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
When you’re here for the treats.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.