I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”