“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batmanβs old tweets for anything problematic
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
At Starbucks:
Itβs Bryan with a βyβ
(3 minutes later)
βVenti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!β
Ok Iβve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robberβs face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Iβm a pancake in that Iβm attracted to all cakes equally.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like βooo spooky lolβ
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said βbig moodβ
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: I donβt think I like it here
Demon: yeah well thatβs kind of the point
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
βi donβt think people should get murderedβ have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Itβs password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if itβs strong.