Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣