[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Cat.