Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks