WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike