WWE is French for “yes”
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I’m being attacked 😭
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit