I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA