[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Catercrombie & Fish
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat