[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
tis the season
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Happy birthday to all the women
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”