Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.