I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]