Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
This took me a second..
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125