😍😂🥰😂😍
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I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I did not eat the cake…
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind