Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms