Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Harsh but fair
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%