My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“