me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
me when the borders lift
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
When the stylist spins you back around
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”