wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
It’s the weekend y’all
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.