Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.