Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.