CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
🙄😏😂🤣
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
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